…then I saw myself…

 It was only a sticky mess in the bottom of the fridge.

A mess that took a bit of scrubbing and a little time.

Yet that’s not what I in my RAGE saw or showed my darling girls.

There are times  when God allows me to step outside of myself for a moment…to get just a glimpse of what  my girls see.

In those moments where He shows me what they see…they see the enemy win.

Today I had one such moment.

My Sensitive child weeping while I was yelling and blowing a sticky mess WAY OUT OF PROPORTION!

In that small glimpse of me seen through her eyes…I saw UGLY!

My husband says my best trait is my quickness to seek forgiveness. It humbles me that I have such a trait…It sickens me that I have to use it so often.

When they were babies and I rocked them to sleep , many nights were spent weeping and seeking their forgiveness, even when they weren’t aware of my needing it. So many nights…so very VERY many. Even when they didn’t know what Ugly was, they saw it in me.

On Wednesdays nights, my friends are I are doing a book study. One that I didn’t necessarily want to be a part of…one that I know I need to be a part of.  I not only came “unglued” today, I RIPPED MYSELF AWAY FROM ME! I lost it…really really lost it.

But in that God given moment…I saw myself through her tear filled eyes. I saw who I don’t want to be. And in the weeping, embracing, and “I’m SO sorry”s…I saw His mercy.

The depth so deep…His arms so wide and my tears so not enough…and in that MERCY I know Joy will come.

On days like today when I stand in the yard, with tear filled voice whispering “I can’t do this.” When I’m a mess just as sticky as the one in bottom of my fridge…I know He sees more than this mess.

I am humbled that He hasn’t given up on my weaknesses…that His WORD is still true and He still so very good! And that dear one, is JOY.

 

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