I don’t know how other people’s marriages work, but mine is pretty amazing.
I have a man that I can talk to you about real things. all the time.
Saturday we had a discussion that’s had me thinking all week.
“You’re very stand-offish” he said, and ironically I know exactly what he meant. he wasn’t saying that I was rude and hateful but that I have a hard time opening myself to other people. so we talked about it and the hard truth is that he’s right.
I don’t Open up very easily…not with many people. he’s the only one I’ve ever opened up to completely. Besides my mentor on good days.
I watched a movie once that talked about being an open book and how that specific things can be read on certain pages. like page 5328 says “I had made a big decision today.” page 9047 “I couldn’t sleep last night”
I’ve always wanted to be that way. trying really hard to be real all time.
but to be open it means I let you in and you can hurt me.
you can see all of my parts that are raw and vulnerable. as much as I think that that would be very cool-it scares me to death and I don’t know if I have a what it really takes to be that way.
there’s a song by all sons and daughters that I talked about here. The chorus says “You have called me higher
You have called me deeper And I will go where you will lead me Lord.”
I was singing that song in the car today, really wanting it to be a prayer and a true statement.
“And I could hold on, I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside And I could be safe, I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home. Never let these walls down”
I love that.
this being open…this being raw is a choice.
a choice I know that I need to make. a choice I know that must be made in order for me to make any kind of difference.
can I just say that I’m terrified but I know that this is what the Father is calling me to do?!
for the first time in a very long time I’m standing on the edge of an abyss terrified that I need to jump. knowing that the fact that I will jump makes all the difference. knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE will catch me. that I won’t be falling but I’ll be burrowing deeper into Him. being like Reepicheep and being able to go “further up and further in”.
because I’m just a little mouse.
a small servant.
my smallness is making me bold.
me. open terrified mousy me.
in my weakness is strong…and so here I go…
I’m diving into His will…striving to be a more open me. A braver mouse.