February 20-22, 2015

Day 1: Tumor found in dad’s lung. fear & tears & lack of regrets. Realization that tomorrow’s never promised and ornery Dad is better than not.

Day 2:Still at Hospital. It’s noon and I’m watching listening to him snore with his mouth open. (He’s having a reaction to the pain medication they gave him, so they could do another biopsy. Sleep will help.)

When did he get so old?

That face with it’s wrinkles and gray whiskers are still “Daddy”in an old man’s body. 

I realize that God is redeeming our story. Slowly and in His way. It may not look like i want it to-with health, but maybe it’s more like a conversation. Getting to know the man who has always been there.

The first man I ever loved. 

It’s different seeing him without his “Superman” garb. HE’S JUST A MAN. I’ve known that all along…I just hoped i was wrong.

 

Day 3: Dad was released from the hospital today. Although i don’t think it wise, i know he will be more comfortable at home. 

We were told by the nurse that the tumor is cancerous and that the surgeon could tell even before the biopsy. We will not know to what extent it can be treated or if other scans need to be done, until we get results back.

I’m scared that I will be unable to care for him. That I will fail him and my own family, if i try. He is so stubborn. I fear he will do too much and end up back in the ER or I will find him dead. It’s hard not to imagine the worst case scenario when “cancer” is what we are discussing. I hate that I don’t believe that I’m strong enough to be doing this…making these choices…anticipating harder ones. 

This morning’s sermon was about worship and how we are doing God a disservice by not trusting Him. I’d like to say “I TRUST HIM!” Part of me believes that i do, completely. The other part knows that I’ve never had to before…not really.

 

 

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