Mar. 6, 2015 (it hits the fan)

DAY 12: it’s been 7 crazy-been-hit-by-a-MAC-truck feeling days! We got the diagnosis of STAGE 4 SMALL CELL LUNG CANCER last Friday. Dad was admitted to the hospital at noon that day with chemo starting soon afterward. It is already in his liver, lymph nodes, fibs, spine…PROGNOSIS: 3-12 months give or take. 

Hearing the Oncologist say that Dad won’t recover…that the chemo will slow it down but kill him in the end, was the HARDEST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO SIT THOUGH!!

We all talked with dad (my sister, my husband, myself) and Dad wants to stay here, die here. 

It’s hard to process how I actually am. Writing down these facts is easy! The certainty that this is his last year with us is hard to grasp. Hearing him say, “i’m terminal” and telling my girls that he may forget who they are as cancer progresses. seeing him cry. it’s all so abstract.

Seeing his weakness where his strength once was…

Watching him watch my girls with eyes that aren’t ready to stop…

it doesn’t seem real.

like it’s a dream or a phase we just all happen to be playing a part in. Hoping that this will all be a nightmare we wake up from! We’ll realize we are being lied to and he’s actually healthy and hasn’t smoked for 40+years.

The sad thing is that this is reality. 

I don’t want to accept it! The thought of saying a final “goodbye” is haunting at best.

My uncle is coming tomorrow. I have to ask him what to watch for, what to expect, when to call everyone–THAT’S GONNA SUCK! But knowing that the plan is in place and everyone will try to come is helpful.

Mom called this weekend and they talked. Dad cried. it as a BEAUTIFUL moment! I left the room to give them some privacy. It was always my childhood hope that they would have a “happily ever after” together. Even after 20 years, those little girl tears came. 

Today has been Dad’s only sick day from chemo. I know it will prolong his life a few months, i just hope he doesn’t suffer from the side effects like so many do. I told him I’d shave my head for him, but he won’t ask me to. His spirits are still quite high all things considered. 

We’ve had two “celebrate life” parties this week. Mom’s idea 🙂 “Happy Tuesday” was a day of cookies, beaded necklaces, punch, party cups/plates/napkins, and glow sticks that turned into swords. Wednesday was “Shake Day” followed by Disney movies. It is such a joy seeing my babies care for him. 

I told my Mister last night just how much I HATE “OK” & “FINE”

IT IS NOT GOING TO BE “OK” OR “FINE”!!!

Different? YES! HARD? YES! CRAPPY BEYOND COMPARE? YES! 

FINE? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Will I survive? yes!

Will my dad be with healed with Jesus in the end? YES!

it’s the getting there that i dread.

yet, i will try not to dwell on these thoughts. I will live our new mantra:

“one moment at a time, making each moment PRECIOUS.”

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