4/13/15 in which i fear

4/13/15: my precious mom, my sister and her family came for Easter! it was so nice to meet my sister’s husband and son. she is well loved and cared for AND I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER! we recorded songs for Dad’s funeral while she was here. “In the Garden,” “He touched me,” “Amazing Grace,” and “Blessed Assurance.” it was bittersweet. so much of the “planning” is done now…less to do after, strangely, doesn’t make the waiting easier.

MRI was done…more bad news. i hate being the bearer of bad news!! 

it’s so hard to see his pain. he keeps saying things like, “you don’t understand, because_____. But ____ does.” i’m trying not be hurt by comments like that. i know that he is trying to shield me and deal as best he can. just like i cannot begrudge his grief or rush it, I CANNOT EXPECT HIM TO ALWAYS SEE THE EFFECT HIS WORDS HAVE ON ME. I try to remind myself that “it’s the cancer talking…”

we had biscuits and gravy tonight. He ate good but got sick afterward. before he left for the night, he hugged me and said, “your daddy is dying, and i’m sorry.”…that he didn’t know how much longer he could do it. i know that will be a common statement soon. “we only have right now” will then become my rote answer.

for some reason, i am here and others only come to visit and then go home.

I fear tomorrow! that i  won’t be enough…have enough in me to care for him. that all i have to give won’t even come close to being adequate. 

but saying that sounds so unholy. i think somehow i shouldn’t be stressed. i don’t have this cancer. being a caregiver is so much harder than i ever imagined!! the fear…THE ANGER…the feelings of inadequacy. the living in 2 places at once. the lack of restful sleep. THE CONSTANT WORRY. 

 

Father, help me to cast it all to YOU. to know that in all of this weakness, YOU ARE STRONG. help dad to rest and be free of pain. if even for a few hours so that he can sleep. i know that i keep asking YOU to be merciful and take him quickly. and i don’t even know if i can handle the goodbye. I’M NOT READY!! but i don’t think i ever will be. so, i guess i’m asking for a bit more time.  Time for all of his children to say goodbye. Will you heal our brokenness? Remind us of what time has stolen? Allow reconciliation. 

is it selfish of me to ask YOU for more time? especially when people die so suddenly all the time? When so many people wish they had the time that YOU’VE already granted to us?

YOUR will be done, Father. In of all of this…Your will be done. amen.

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