4/24/15: yesterday was hard! i felt very alone and unable to call or text anyone. somedays i just need to feel and not have to be right in those feelings.
round #3 of chemo was yesterday. dad is delusional/in denial about chemo “healing” or curing his body. STAGE 4 HAS NO CURE! sometimes i think he knows that…others i’m not sure. it doesn’t matter in the end anyway. ABBA has already determined his DOD. not amount of treatment will stop or prevent that appointment.
in a RAGE moment last night i said, “prayer does nothing.” My mister knows that I didn’t mean it! But i’m still not sure what prayer does.
does it change me? Yes.
does it change God’s mind? i don’t think anyone has that power.
we pray all the time as Believers, yet i’m still so unsure of why. I can’t even describe or define my thoughts on prayer. may it’s not important that i know how or why it works…only that it does.
i’m learning and seeing so much about myself while watching and being with dad. my rage moments are a trait from him. my interrupting and commandeering of conversations are from him too. 🙂 when i catch myself “elaborating” on the truth…that’s from him too. my indecisiveness is also his. AND MY LOVE OF MY FAMILY…THAT’S HIS TOO!
it’s crazy how much God shows us of ourselves as we watch others. maybe that is the “no man is an island” thing that people say. “I learn about me from watching you…”