my heart in my hands

In The Four Loves C.S. Lewis writes:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.

closing yourself off is MUCH easier than loving people.

there’s been battle of wills this week: my own and Abba’s.

He is calling me to love again, to open my heart and take it out of the safe house i put it into when my Dad died.

i didn’t shut down on purpose. didn’t wrap my love up in tissue paper, pack in safely in a box and bury it deep. I didn’t just choose to love less, my mourning just took on that persona. yet, it has been quite easy to just exist over the past year, not caring much about anyone that didn’t live in my tiny home in the midwest.

 but i don’t want to change into someone who’s heart is “selfish…unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable”

Abba has rescued me from myself yet again, and as always His timing is impeccable.

but am i ready?

i’ve tried before to love just a little bit, care just a smidge and FAILED REPEATEDLY!

i still don’t know how to love someone just a little bit. i come across too strong, request too much in return. in my wanting to share my heart i become a bit much. this “all or nothing” personality of mine makes a mess.

for years my Mister has been saying that i wear my heart on my sleeve. i don’t think that’s where it is now.

instead it’s in my hands, and I’M CHOOSING when to hold it out.

I’m CHOOSING not to let it get squished and manhandled whenever whomever i’ve held it out to responds with, “no thank you.” i’ve grown so much since i put it away.

i saw C.S. Lewis’s quote twice today. and although i’ve not read The Four Loves I love what he says. It rings so true for me right now. putting words to what i’ve felt Abba saying all week.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable”

And Abba says, “What I’m doing isn’t about you sweetie! It’s about them.” 

And so I obey. In fear and tears and I-really-don’t-want-to…I obey. 


and then this song…words I wish I’d have written.

 “In Over My Head” by Bethel Music (youtube video below)

I have come to this place in my life
I’m full but I’ve not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
I can feel it my heart is convinced
I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched
You already know this but still
Come and do whatever You want to

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been
I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in
Let love come teach me who You are again
Take me back to the place where my heart was only about You
And all I wanted was just to be with You
Come and do whatever You want to

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

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