Fundament changes in the sacrificing

Sometimes I listen to myself as I talk and learn more than I intend. It’s like in the speaking I finally understand what has been rolling around inside my head. 

Tonight, I shared more of my story than I intended to. Sometimes OFTEN the words get away from me. Sadly. 

It’s like once I’m in a comfortable environment the flood gates open and there is a gushing that I cannot control. (Man, I hope my filter switches to automatic!!) During the gush tonight, I learned many things:

  • I’ve grown tired of the every present show that I used to put on. Claiming to be who I wasn’t. Knowing what I didn’t. 
  • I no longer see life as black and white, linear, or clean. It’s messy, twisty, and eclectic. Life is meant to be that way. 
  • Who I AM is ok! I don’t need to be like anyone else. My experiences are my own. My thoughts my own. My words my own. 

I DONT WANT TO PRETEND OTHERWISE NOW! I WANT TO BE THE OPEN BOOK THAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. 

Should I perhaps consider more the words that I speak? Probably. Should I be timid and fearful to be me? Absolutely not!

I’m looking forward to discovering more about this person. Her depth in the Lord. Her voice that was discovered through excruciating experience. Maybe she’s a bit more grown-up and willing to share what she learned in the trenches. 

Fundamentally different than she was before. 

I think that’s what Abba intends for all of those who choose to follow Him. For us to walk with Him through every twist, turn, trench, and height. Learning and fundamentally being changed. 

” Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

May I be transformed because I let Him change me!!

BECAUSE I “present your (my) bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your (my) spiritual worship” Rom 12:1

What is the sacrifice for if not for TRANSFORMATION?! But in that transformation, we are made different…fundamentally. Like the fuzzy fat caterpillar who climbs into his cocoon. He emerges TOTALLY different because he sacrificed the caterpillar life.  Oh may we do that, beloved!

But, let us also listen to this: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Rom 12:3 

Let your path transform you and make you better! Not boastful. 

This path is my own. Yet, if someone learns something from the messes that I’ve made along the way; if anyone gleans any wisdom from the wretch that is me, All Glory be to Jesus Christ! It’s His doing, not mine. 

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9


beautiful people

have you ever just watched people? especially when they don’t think anyone is paying attention to them?

people are beautiful.

a man alone, buying diapers.

a trembling cashier with aged hands and quick wit.

a couple buying soda…who we let go before us and waited longer than they could have in the other line…(see man above) 🙂

soon-to-be mama’s who are READY to hold their child…soon-to-be-papa’s with giddy eyes.

bored cashiers that want their shifts to end…yesterday.

happy children who make a game out of anything. dancing in the middle of the aisle with JOYful abandon.

facial expressions…murmured words…

tired people.

excited people.

beautiful people..

it all that people watching, i wonder how many of them even see that beauty?

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complacency of fools

 

“For the simple are killed by their turning away,
    and the complacency of fools destroys them;
but whoever listens to me will dwell secure
    and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”” Prov 1:32-33 esv

complacency: “a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.”

smug….uncritically satisfied w/ oneself/achievements…prideful!     

it’s always such fun when God reveals a character flaw, isn’t it?!

i never thought i was prideful…smug…uncritically satisfied w/ my achievements. until that is, HE showed me.

i mean seriously, who wants to admit that?!

but i am…DESTROYED by it!

i find myself afraid to be the moron that I am in and of myself. afraid to let you know that I really know nothing. at. all.

that smug, that proud, that self-satisfied person seems stronger that me.

she seems brave. strong. powerful.

BUT

when i look at HIS WORD,  that person is killed, destroyed and DEAD!

 she can’t be brave, or strong, or powerful if she’s dead!

…but whoever listens to me will dwell secure
    and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”

now this person…this WISE person who listens to Abba, she dwells secure, at ease, without dread of disaster.

i think i like her better.

“Let our faith be not alone
may our hearts be not of stone
give us souls that never close
to the grace that you bestow
may our eyes be quick to see
that you are here – you’ve come to rescue me” -Robbie Seay 

won’t your let Him?

she runs from the past. becoming hardened by her anger. she is in desperate need of someone to  love her back to tender.

she is a single mom who just happens to be 19. she loves well, but she does it solo. her 19 year old heart just wants a do over with love.

she is a timid preteen that is searching for her place.

she is a girl who wants to be accepted. for just being her.

she sits alone in a crowded room. wondering if it’s her that’s the odd one. hoping that someone will just look her way and see her.

she is so very lonely.

 

 

she went to draw water on a dry and dusty afternoon.

she met Him at the well.

He offered “living water” and “told her everything she ever did”

she knew He wasn’t supposed to speak to her…she didn’t expect to see the love in His eyes.

not a love of any other man she’d met…He saw her.

REALLY SAW HER!

at first she wanted to cover her eyes so He couldn’t see so deeply..

but in her desperation, she just wanted someone to see HER.

and He did!

Beloved, His name is JESUS and He sees you!

 

she was given to a lover to produce an heir.

her mistress sent her away after God fulfilled His promise.

so, she sat under a bush while she watched her son slowly die.

and HE saw her!

in her dispair…in her loneliness.

and she wasn’t alone or invisible!

Beloved, HE sees you! El Roi is His name! 

 

He is the EVERLASTING GOD! He is the same today as He was then. He still draws us Living Water from His Well. He still looks under shrubs and sees our tears. He still looks deeply. Seeing the hidden and loving you anyway. He is the Gentle Shepherd.

Let HIM look! Let HIM see!

You are worth at least that much! (pssst…and SO MUCH MORE!)

~S

birdsong

birds on wire with moon

Birds.

i was laying there in bed doing my best to go back to sleep and get my stolen hour back, but i couldn’t.

have you ever noticed that all bird song sounds different?

beautifully different.

as i listened, I was trying to single out each sound. trying to think of which little feathered fiend friend was making which sound. and the more i heard the more annoyingly distracting each one became.

but then i realized that if i just listened and didn’t think i just heard beauty.

so in my sleepy mind, i started to think  of praise.

i don’t know what kind of bird makes each sound, but the CREATOR does. and He can differentiate between them all.

maybe we sound like that when we praise Him.

maybe we are all birds wanting to be heard for our own distinct sound.

just birds filling our lungs with air so we can praise HIM with our own song.

so I wonder what He hears .

there were times Sunday morning where it was too much.     Shut the window or listen?

then times when i’d try to match their pitch in my head. and mimic them.

oh how i do that so often…with people!

rather than making my own joyful noise and worshiping and living the way He has created me to, i mimic my fellow saints.

do you do that?

then my “ahhh” came.

God doesn’t just listen for a moment then turn  away.

He doesn’t ever close the “window.”

He doesn’t get annoyed at my song when it comes, even if it were possible for it to come at an inopportune time.

He delights in my song.

He can’t  get enough!
He Waits for it even.
He is enthralled by me!

He pursues me…sometimes as  Romancer,
sometimes as Abba daddy,
sometimes as Friend.

He’s always listening for more.

like the avid bird watcher, He seeks out my  song.
delights in my voice. thinks me unique and oh so special.

so i’m going to let you in on what He taught me at 6am Sunday morning:

Whether owl or duck or sparrow you fit!
you fit for who you are and were created to be!
you are never an annoyance to Him but beautiful for your uniqueness.

And like a declawed cat in a window,  the enemy has no power to escape the bounds the Creator has set.

You are safe with Jesus!

You are enough…you are the singer of beautiful songs.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Nails

 

 I can’t get her out of my mind.

I sat in her chair yesterday morning. She had a cold.

It is always hard for me when I can’t talk to someone. I tried, but the language barrier only allowed so much…so I listened instead.

The voices of these beautiful Oriental women…

“I love listening to you talk” I say.

She smiles.

“My girls and I always try to say the words on the back of our fortune cookie papers, but I’m sure we do a horrible job”

Another smile.

So I listen.

Smiling at the beauty in the words I cannot understand.

I’m sure there’s a JESUS lesson here (I find He uses everything)

  • something about how our words don’t always make sense. This “Christian-ese” that we speak so well. That we teach our children so well.

In High School I overheard a conversation that went something like:

“It was awesome at church last night, he really PRAYED THROUGH!” said boy.

“He prayed through what? asks confused girl.

No wonder we appear odd to the unsaved…we speak  in riddles. Assuming they’ll catch our point somehow.

  • how to speak to those who CAN’T understand? this grace and Redemption freely given to a world where nothing is free.

How do we help them?  Why is it hard to share HIM? If I believe He is the GREATEST gift, then why can’t I find the words to share Him?

  • what do I do in two weeks when I see her again?

Do I try again to make small talk with a woman who speaks broken English?

Do I assume she can understand me?

Cause you see, I don’t want to be this “goes-on-with-my-life-living-in-a-bubble” kind of woman. I’ve been that way for SO LONG. But aren’t we made for more than that? Something deeper and more meaningful?

There’s this song that’s been in my head since yesterday after meeting my new friend. (again, Jesus uses EVERYTHING)

 Called Me Higher  by All Sons and Daughters

The words speak so true:

 I could just sit, I could just sit and wait for all your goodness, hope to feel Your presence

I could just stay, I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You, hope to feel something again

I could hold on, I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

I could be safe, I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down

 

But You have called me higher, You have called me deeper

 And I’ll go where You will lead me, Lord, You’ll lead me

 You’ll lead me Lord

Is it that easy?

Cause I really do want to “let these walls down…go where You lead me”. I really honestly do.

I want to do it here on this blog.

I want to do it with my children. (And not just in the losing-my-temper kind of way.)

I want to do it with my WISPY ones.

I want to be more real…more raw.

I want to be TALK TO THIS PRECIOUS LADY!

So…I guess I will. Just trust HIM to give me the chance.