Hold on Tightly

Hold on Tightly

Have you ever met someone, and instantly after you realize that you really want to get to know them? That they are the kind of people that you want to be around and to learn from? You want them in your life, to be a consistent part of it?  I have two such friends that are on my heart today.

I want to learn from them. I want to be better because of them.

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my heart in my hands

my heart in my hands

In The Four Loves C.S. Lewis writes:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.

closing yourself off is MUCH easier than loving people. Continue reading

To be fully known 

To be fully known 

we use too many words, don’t you think? 

Sometimes not even the ones we wanted to use when we started a conversation.

We use the ‘correct” ones. the meaningful. the kind. the gentle. and sometimes when we aren’t in the mood to edit them, we use the ugly. 

We use words we can think of on the spot. We use words that we have to meditate on for a bit.

We even use different ones depending on the audience or situation.

words chosen that will not offend. words they want to hear, instead of what they need to. words thought of and not. words that flow easily and ones that stick to the tongue. And if you’re like me, you even have ones that forget to show up when you need them. 

I’m thankful for God-given loved ones that I can just be with and not need THE RIGHT words. People that I dont have to think so hard in order to talk to. 

That’s one of the many things I love about THE FATHER, He never uses the wrong ones. 

 He doesn’t even needs our words to know our heart, we can just sit with Him because we don’t need to speak!

we can be quiet. Still. WORDLESS.

Abba never uses to many or to few.

He never fumbles over His tongue or gets flustered when the ones that escape are misunderstood. He says what He means to say the first time. AnD He never gets it wrong nor does He concern himself with our reaction. 

He never even gets tongue-tied! (I wonder what that’s like.)

Maybe the more I know Him, the more I love Him, the more I strive to emulate Him, these words that I stumble over will come easier?

Maybe I’ll know when to speak and when to listen.

Maybe I’ll have more of His words and less of mine. 

Maybe then when words don’t come i’ll be content in the quiet.

 i think there’s a bit of growth in a wordless quiet. a bit of time to heal without thought. a bit of rest.
maybe it’s a spacious place. maybe it’s a small cozy nook of happy.

i don’t know…but i think i’d like to visit and stay a while.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:11-12



 I long for the day when “I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”  

Fundament changes in the sacrificing

Sometimes I listen to myself as I talk and learn more than I intend. It’s like in the speaking I finally understand what has been rolling around inside my head. 

Tonight, I shared more of my story than I intended to. Sometimes OFTEN the words get away from me. Sadly. 

It’s like once I’m in a comfortable environment the flood gates open and there is a gushing that I cannot control. (Man, I hope my filter switches to automatic!!) During the gush tonight, I learned many things:

  • I’ve grown tired of the every present show that I used to put on. Claiming to be who I wasn’t. Knowing what I didn’t. 
  • I no longer see life as black and white, linear, or clean. It’s messy, twisty, and eclectic. Life is meant to be that way. 
  • Who I AM is ok! I don’t need to be like anyone else. My experiences are my own. My thoughts my own. My words my own. 

I DONT WANT TO PRETEND OTHERWISE NOW! I WANT TO BE THE OPEN BOOK THAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. 

Should I perhaps consider more the words that I speak? Probably. Should I be timid and fearful to be me? Absolutely not!

I’m looking forward to discovering more about this person. Her depth in the Lord. Her voice that was discovered through excruciating experience. Maybe she’s a bit more grown-up and willing to share what she learned in the trenches. 

Fundamentally different than she was before. 

I think that’s what Abba intends for all of those who choose to follow Him. For us to walk with Him through every twist, turn, trench, and height. Learning and fundamentally being changed. 

” Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

May I be transformed because I let Him change me!!

BECAUSE I “present your (my) bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your (my) spiritual worship” Rom 12:1

What is the sacrifice for if not for TRANSFORMATION?! But in that transformation, we are made different…fundamentally. Like the fuzzy fat caterpillar who climbs into his cocoon. He emerges TOTALLY different because he sacrificed the caterpillar life.  Oh may we do that, beloved!

But, let us also listen to this: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Rom 12:3 

Let your path transform you and make you better! Not boastful. 

This path is my own. Yet, if someone learns something from the messes that I’ve made along the way; if anyone gleans any wisdom from the wretch that is me, All Glory be to Jesus Christ! It’s His doing, not mine. 

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9


hello again. (fmf 11/4/16)

hello again. (fmf 11/4/16)

i havent been in this space for what feels like ages.

i’m not sure why, other than that who i was before, is now who i am now. but isn’t that true of all of us?

life happens, time passes, and we are different.

this part of my journey  is new and looks so different from it what did before.

i read someplace that God allows us to go thru hard things so that we can learn things that we’d never learn any other way.

it feels weird that i am so different now. odd that my last year with my father changed so much of who i am in my core. what i believe now is different.

how i view life and living is different.

who i consider my true friends are is different.

how i relate on “normal” days to my children is different.

how i love my man is different.

how i view God had His people is different.

maybe i grew up a bit more while i was walking with my dad down the last bend on this earth. i think by helping him finish his journey well helped me to discover more of my own.

i told a friend the other day, “i’m not sure who the woman is who looks back at the mirror at me anymore….she’s lost her voice.”

and maybe she has. maybe i don’t know her because i’ve never been her before. but i think she’s braver, stronger, more no-nonsense and real. maybe i’ll grow to like her in time.

(5min up)

i hope you’ll stick around and find out if you like her as well.

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Easter week for him

holidays are the hardest.

last Easter i went to church with him. my mom, sister and her family were here. dad was happy. reading and posting entries from the journal i kept last year, brings everything to the forefront of my memory. how it felt to hold his hand when we got the diagnosis. how it hurt to watch him cry. how i knew that i’d miss his snoring. Feeling Holiness touch me as I sat with him our last Easter.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I wondered for a long time why it was called that.

Hebrews 12:1-3 says:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

i get it now.

For the JOY set before HIM he endured the cross…Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

The JOY set before Him was US! MY DAD! ME!

Jesus Christ Died so we could live!

He chose to die because Life with US for eternity IS JOY! His CHOSEN JOY!

AMEN?!

 

Father, it is hard not to be sad. So very hard. I miss my Daddy…terribly. Thank You for calling me to journal his last year, and that You for asking me to share it. I don’t know who will read it, if anyone will, but I know the remembering for me is healing. If there’s anyone who needs to know it will be ok in the end…that mourning ebbs and flows like the tide, but you survive it. If anyone wonders how they will make it…I hope that by reading my messy thoughts, they see YOU! Your Hand that guided me through. Your hand that held us both as we walked the cancer path. Your arm that is now around my Daddy’s shoulders as he sits and talks with You. So, Thank YOU ABBA for loving my Dad and for dying to set him free!

HAPPY EASTER, FATHER!

 

 

I hope you are well, dear friend. Trusting Jesus when life is so hard you can hardly breathe, isn’t easy. maybe it is for some people, but it wasn’t for me. it was a moment by moment gasping-for-breath clawing-at-my-neck kinda of gasp for help. and it came in the gentle answers, the whispers of the Holy Spirit, and the reminders that God would never leave me nor forsake me. I could only be strong because HE is! and you can too, beloved. Just ask HIM. RECEIVE HIS HELP IN THE GIFT OF HIS SON, JESUS! Celebrate this Easter knowing that there is light at end of the tunnel. and His JOY is waiting for us!

 

i’d love to pray with you. comment and i WILL reply!