fmf: STUCK!

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(start)

it feels like a theme

something i struggle to put words to

i feel it with my friends. acquaintances.

life.

somedays bad

somedays good

somedays just…no other words

well maybe curse words

but we don’t say those.

my uncle called me today…”i miss your dad”. yes, i miss him too.

rebirth.

impregnated with possibility.

anointing.

power.

am i afraid? definitely.

am i willing? ABSOLTUELY

i’ve grown so tired, so sad, so fed-up with this feeling.

it surrounds me like a fog.

heavy and tormenting.

but i know whose voice is whispering into it.

but OH i see the LIGHT up ahead…a glimmer. now brighter…

(STOP)

maybe this is a path, a rocky one that is slowly smoothing out the farther i walk upon it.

like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day one version says.

” This is the way, walk ye in it…”

if i’m walking i’m NOT STUCK!!

Isaiah 30:19-22 (NKJV)

For the people shall dwell in Zion at Jerusalem;
You shall weep no more.
He will be very gracious to you at the sound of your cry;
When He hears it, He will answer you.
And though the Lord gives you
The bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
Yet your teachers will not be moved into a corner anymore,
But your eyes shall see your teachers.
Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
“This is the way, walk in it,”
Whenever you turn to the right hand
Or whenever you turn to the left.
You will also defile the covering of your images of silver,
And the ornament of your molded images of gold.
You will throw them away as an unclean thing;
You will say to them, “Get away!”

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“So let go my soul and trust in Him”

i am a worshiper. a hymn lover.  one of my all time favorites is “It is Well with My Soul”

Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music released  “It is Well” that incorporates it, (listen here )  and tonight it’s on repeat:

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me


have you ever felt like you were on the cusp of something big? that GOD HIMSELF was about to blow your socks off?! you were desperately desiring to be changed…to no longer be content with the “normalcy” of your existence yet, in the midst of that excited expectation your were SCARED TO DEATH?! then this song comes on that you NEED to hear…that one line hits you like a ton of bricks:

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

because that’s what every changes that Abba wants to bring boils down to: TRUST and fear.

if we are honest  we fear  HIS POWER. we may want it, we may believe in it, but it terrifies us.

my fear looks like this:

“how will i ever be content with anything else once I’ve experienced HOLY SPIRIT’S POWER?”

and I HAVE NO CLUE!!

i know that HOLY SPIRIT will never hurt me. He will change and shape and recreate this mess of a woman who has been PLAIN BOUND UP for way too many years!

 

will you pray for me as i sing with a shaky, terrified whisper:

it is well with my soul. it is well with my soul. IT IS WELL with my soul. IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!

 SO LET GO MY SOUL AND TRUST IN HIM…

 

i’m praying for all of us! that we would surrender to what He wants so desperately to do in us. however, whenever, whatever that is.

~s

 

 

(my current favorite version of It is Well by Joel and Amy Davis)

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
When sorrows like sea billows roll; 
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
“It is well, it is well with my soul.” 

My sin, o, the bliss of this glorious thought! 
My sin, not in part but the whole 
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 

It is well (It is well) 
With my soul (With my soul) 
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
Even so, it is well with my soul.

 

I’m doing a thing, wanna join me?

I’m not much of an accepter of challenges, mostly because i’m not very good at sticking with them. I do however, like them in theory. The village church released their SEASONS study that is based on THE CHURCH calendar in December of last year, and although it was a bit too complex for my Littles for Advent, I loved the idea of the yearly study so I downloaded it.

Fast forward to today when looking at the calendar I realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, and I’m a week late preparing for Lent. Being raised in an Assembly of God church I never participated in Lent growing up, but again I like the idea of giving up something physical to focus on the spiritual for 40 days. So, I looked up my downloaded SEASONS from The Village Church, and did some catching up. No, I did not start at Advent and read all of the Scripture passages up to today, that’s a little too tedious for a Tuesday afternoon and I’m not feeling the best. But I did commit to following the calendar during Lent.

I may or may not be blogging my way through the next 40 days, but I am going to journal through it, at least that’s the plan. Do you want to join? If so head on over to this website and download the Calendar and jump right in.

Blessings, S

Fundament changes in the sacrificing

Sometimes I listen to myself as I talk and learn more than I intend. It’s like in the speaking I finally understand what has been rolling around inside my head. 

Tonight, I shared more of my story than I intended to. Sometimes OFTEN the words get away from me. Sadly. 

It’s like once I’m in a comfortable environment the flood gates open and there is a gushing that I cannot control. (Man, I hope my filter switches to automatic!!) During the gush tonight, I learned many things:

  • I’ve grown tired of the every present show that I used to put on. Claiming to be who I wasn’t. Knowing what I didn’t. 
  • I no longer see life as black and white, linear, or clean. It’s messy, twisty, and eclectic. Life is meant to be that way. 
  • Who I AM is ok! I don’t need to be like anyone else. My experiences are my own. My thoughts my own. My words my own. 

I DONT WANT TO PRETEND OTHERWISE NOW! I WANT TO BE THE OPEN BOOK THAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. 

Should I perhaps consider more the words that I speak? Probably. Should I be timid and fearful to be me? Absolutely not!

I’m looking forward to discovering more about this person. Her depth in the Lord. Her voice that was discovered through excruciating experience. Maybe she’s a bit more grown-up and willing to share what she learned in the trenches. 

Fundamentally different than she was before. 

I think that’s what Abba intends for all of those who choose to follow Him. For us to walk with Him through every twist, turn, trench, and height. Learning and fundamentally being changed. 

” Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

May I be transformed because I let Him change me!!

BECAUSE I “present your (my) bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your (my) spiritual worship” Rom 12:1

What is the sacrifice for if not for TRANSFORMATION?! But in that transformation, we are made different…fundamentally. Like the fuzzy fat caterpillar who climbs into his cocoon. He emerges TOTALLY different because he sacrificed the caterpillar life.  Oh may we do that, beloved!

But, let us also listen to this: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Rom 12:3 

Let your path transform you and make you better! Not boastful. 

This path is my own. Yet, if someone learns something from the messes that I’ve made along the way; if anyone gleans any wisdom from the wretch that is me, All Glory be to Jesus Christ! It’s His doing, not mine. 

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9


just practicing

i’m an eavesdropper a listener.

sometimes my quiet is because i’m just listening.

so much to learn about who people are when they are talking to someone else.

words spoken under breath as people walk past. the “hmph”s and the mumbled. (i wonder why they don’t say something?)

so often gossip comes by proxy. “poor dear” becomes “did you know_______?!”

 

then the positive and loving things  i hope are said on a regular basis.. “he’s just so precious.” “I picture her as _____.” said with a smile.

the blushing smile he didn’t get to see…the one she in unsure she wants him to notice.

the laughter–deep belly laughs from way down where joy lives.

the conversations between lovers and friends. beautiful words.

i read a quote about listening a while back. it sits on my shoulder playing on repeat.

“we don’t listen to hear, we listen to respond.”

so, maybe this is practice. head down, pen to paper. ears open.

the more i hear the more i know i miss in my mental preparations to respond.

~s

 

 

 

 

 

 

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